Preggy Ponderings
Now I'm almost at 19 weeks in my pregnancy and finally starting to feel a bit better. I lost 15 lbs and still a bit nauseous, but I have been eating well and even doing a little cooking. I have to laugh a bit because just doing little chores around the house or cooking makes me so happy these days you'd think I accomplished something big like building the damn house or something. But that is just the reality sometimes with a chronic illness - when you've been down for awhile, the simplest, silliest things can feel great.
And those times I get down, I just try to remember -- I'm a freaking warrior! I got off of my dangerous Fibromyalgia meds, and at that point in my illness, doctors were going to put me on just as dangerous narcotics & opiates (the same kinds that killed Prince and Michael Jackson!) but I refused and powered through. And every time the pain gets tough or I struggle, I think of that and think of how I have to be strong for my son and feel so proud of myself. And yes, there are some friends who have distanced themselves or treated me different because they don't know how to deal with me or understand what I'm going through. But then I think - that's ok. Maybe I don't WANT them to understand; I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on even my worst enemy, so go ahead and hate me if you want, I would rather you be healthy and happy.
So I've spent these past couple of months trying to be proactive to the extent I can to better myself. I found a pain management specialist in my medical group that will help me with some physical therapy and stress management techniques. He had referred me into their special pain management program with Fibromyalgia group therapy too, but I screwed myself out of that one by updating my information with Covered California. See, I wanted to just update my name to my new married name, but I happened to be thorough and mark that I'm pregnant in the online forms so they automatically bumped me off into Medi-Cal. Which hey, not having to pay monthly insurance any more is a blessing, but having to change medical providers, OBGYN etc mid-pregnancy SUCKS. But after a week of trips back and forth to local county offices and making lots of phone calls, I was able to get extension forms to stay on straight Medi-Cal until after the baby is born instead of having to pick one of the Medi-Cal designated HMO plans that my medical group doesn't take any of. In the end the only program that has to go is the pain management/Fibromyalgia group therapy, which is a bummer because that was such a great & helpful program. I can still see the one pain management doctor though, and his office is going to help me find any other programs that are available under Medi-Cal for the time being. Looking for a shrink to help me cope with my anxiety is a top priority too. Going from an independent career woman with practically disposable income to suddenly be a wife & mom with no income of her own on a very tight budget is a HUGE adjustment to get used to!
Of course my hubby has been here with me through it all, driving me around town to all my appointments and picking me up when I fall. Gotta give it to the man - he's got the patience of a saint. He's survived ice cream tantrums and crying fits over lack of soup, random demands and bouts of indecisiveness, and my daily excuse of "I'm pregnant!" to get out of anything that doesn't float my boat at the present moment. He's learned to diffuse any of my rants or tirades by playing Snoop Dogg or Ice Cube - it guarantees I will stop whatever I'm doing and sing along. Which leads me to wonder - Will the lullabies that soothe our son when he's born be all about bitches and hos? Will our son's first word end up being "BIATCH!?" I hope not. I do still listen to a lot of classical and other types of music too, and we plan to introduce him to as many genres as possible.
Actually we've both been doing a lot of pondering and reflecting lately, and its always a fun topic in our household. I'm always talking to my mom and relatives about how I was as a child, and Stephen's mom has provided lots of great info on what he was like too. It always comes down to what we loved about our childhood, and what we'd like to be different for our son. I think for me, I shouldered too much adult emotional responsibility as a child and was way too worried all the time. I am not saying I want to shelter my son from the real world, but to an extent, I think there are some things children shouldn't have to deal with when it comes to adult relationships. I grew up in a home with a grandmother going through a bitter divorce who hated everyone, a mom who shouldered too much responsibility to the point it drove her to drink, an uncle with schizophrenia, and random cousins who stayed off and on who had problems of their own. I was super sensitive and intuitive, and my grandma spoke to me about all the problems as if I were an adult since I was her main companion, so I was in a state of constant worry yet forbidden to ever speak of anything outside of the home. Stephen, on the other had, had his own struggles and issues growing up with Asperger's. He did however, have two loving parents who set a very good example for how to treat people and interact properly in society. Its funny - I marvel over how amazing Stephen is and how despite his challenges, he likely has better social & relationship skills than me! I was taught way too much bitterness and distrust of everyone and everything, and I still struggle to this day.
In any case, we both really want to present a united and loving front when it comes to our son. I love that as a couple, we have so much to teach each other and we both have open enough minds to stand down and admit when we're wrong or to encourage each other when we're right. I know right now at times I am so irrational and unreasonable (I'm pregnant!!!) but for the most part I try really hard to shed that outer bitch layer and remember how much I love and admire my husband.
On that note, I want to leave you with a video of Stephen on the guitar the other night at Coyote Bar & Grill in Carlsbad. This was a full ensemble of people he doesn't know (well, he knew maybe 2 of them) that recruited him to play. Despite little rehearsal, he tore it up for 4 straight hours through Jazz, Funk, Soul, & R&B. They brought the house down too - most the crowd stayed for the full 4 hours and the dance floor was packed all night (my cousin had to hold me back when I gave some old ladies dirty looks for dancing right in front of my video camera instead of moving it over to the main dance area, but I'm glad they were having so much fun!) Its around the 4:15 mark when he gets into his guitar solo - enjoy!
And those times I get down, I just try to remember -- I'm a freaking warrior! I got off of my dangerous Fibromyalgia meds, and at that point in my illness, doctors were going to put me on just as dangerous narcotics & opiates (the same kinds that killed Prince and Michael Jackson!) but I refused and powered through. And every time the pain gets tough or I struggle, I think of that and think of how I have to be strong for my son and feel so proud of myself. And yes, there are some friends who have distanced themselves or treated me different because they don't know how to deal with me or understand what I'm going through. But then I think - that's ok. Maybe I don't WANT them to understand; I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on even my worst enemy, so go ahead and hate me if you want, I would rather you be healthy and happy.
So I've spent these past couple of months trying to be proactive to the extent I can to better myself. I found a pain management specialist in my medical group that will help me with some physical therapy and stress management techniques. He had referred me into their special pain management program with Fibromyalgia group therapy too, but I screwed myself out of that one by updating my information with Covered California. See, I wanted to just update my name to my new married name, but I happened to be thorough and mark that I'm pregnant in the online forms so they automatically bumped me off into Medi-Cal. Which hey, not having to pay monthly insurance any more is a blessing, but having to change medical providers, OBGYN etc mid-pregnancy SUCKS. But after a week of trips back and forth to local county offices and making lots of phone calls, I was able to get extension forms to stay on straight Medi-Cal until after the baby is born instead of having to pick one of the Medi-Cal designated HMO plans that my medical group doesn't take any of. In the end the only program that has to go is the pain management/Fibromyalgia group therapy, which is a bummer because that was such a great & helpful program. I can still see the one pain management doctor though, and his office is going to help me find any other programs that are available under Medi-Cal for the time being. Looking for a shrink to help me cope with my anxiety is a top priority too. Going from an independent career woman with practically disposable income to suddenly be a wife & mom with no income of her own on a very tight budget is a HUGE adjustment to get used to!
Of course my hubby has been here with me through it all, driving me around town to all my appointments and picking me up when I fall. Gotta give it to the man - he's got the patience of a saint. He's survived ice cream tantrums and crying fits over lack of soup, random demands and bouts of indecisiveness, and my daily excuse of "I'm pregnant!" to get out of anything that doesn't float my boat at the present moment. He's learned to diffuse any of my rants or tirades by playing Snoop Dogg or Ice Cube - it guarantees I will stop whatever I'm doing and sing along. Which leads me to wonder - Will the lullabies that soothe our son when he's born be all about bitches and hos? Will our son's first word end up being "BIATCH!?" I hope not. I do still listen to a lot of classical and other types of music too, and we plan to introduce him to as many genres as possible.
Actually we've both been doing a lot of pondering and reflecting lately, and its always a fun topic in our household. I'm always talking to my mom and relatives about how I was as a child, and Stephen's mom has provided lots of great info on what he was like too. It always comes down to what we loved about our childhood, and what we'd like to be different for our son. I think for me, I shouldered too much adult emotional responsibility as a child and was way too worried all the time. I am not saying I want to shelter my son from the real world, but to an extent, I think there are some things children shouldn't have to deal with when it comes to adult relationships. I grew up in a home with a grandmother going through a bitter divorce who hated everyone, a mom who shouldered too much responsibility to the point it drove her to drink, an uncle with schizophrenia, and random cousins who stayed off and on who had problems of their own. I was super sensitive and intuitive, and my grandma spoke to me about all the problems as if I were an adult since I was her main companion, so I was in a state of constant worry yet forbidden to ever speak of anything outside of the home. Stephen, on the other had, had his own struggles and issues growing up with Asperger's. He did however, have two loving parents who set a very good example for how to treat people and interact properly in society. Its funny - I marvel over how amazing Stephen is and how despite his challenges, he likely has better social & relationship skills than me! I was taught way too much bitterness and distrust of everyone and everything, and I still struggle to this day.
In any case, we both really want to present a united and loving front when it comes to our son. I love that as a couple, we have so much to teach each other and we both have open enough minds to stand down and admit when we're wrong or to encourage each other when we're right. I know right now at times I am so irrational and unreasonable (I'm pregnant!!!) but for the most part I try really hard to shed that outer bitch layer and remember how much I love and admire my husband.
On that note, I want to leave you with a video of Stephen on the guitar the other night at Coyote Bar & Grill in Carlsbad. This was a full ensemble of people he doesn't know (well, he knew maybe 2 of them) that recruited him to play. Despite little rehearsal, he tore it up for 4 straight hours through Jazz, Funk, Soul, & R&B. They brought the house down too - most the crowd stayed for the full 4 hours and the dance floor was packed all night (my cousin had to hold me back when I gave some old ladies dirty looks for dancing right in front of my video camera instead of moving it over to the main dance area, but I'm glad they were having so much fun!) Its around the 4:15 mark when he gets into his guitar solo - enjoy!
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