First Trimester Trials and Tribulations

So now that I've introduced our son and talked about our happy pregnancy discovery, I gotta get a little real about the uglier side.  Ahhhhh those lovely psychotic first trimester preggy hormones!  My first 4 weeks, I just figured my moodiness was still from withdrawal syndrome from the high dose corticosteroids I had been on to get my lungs functioning again.  But its almost as if as soon as I saw that little plus sign on that stick, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

First off - the morning all day sickness.  I'm in mid 12th week so I'm hoping it goes away soon but damn.  I've lost 17lbs since the wedding, which hey, I needed, but its never all that great to lose weight from being sick and worrying if your baby is getting enough nutrition.  My Dr. even had me stop my prenatal vitamins for now until the nausea subsides in the 2nd trimester.  What sucks is I can't even throw up, I just get the dry heaves for extended periods of time, and my husband tells me to quiet down because he's afraid the neighbors might think he's beating me!  Oh if looks could kill that man would have been turned into a pillar of salt or stone or something by now.  And to make matters worse, shortly after our wedding, our elderly Russian neighbor upstairs decided to go on a drinking binge, and has let his condo go into squalor (no jokes here - shit, piss, and garbage everywhere), and the smell has been coming down the wall to our entryway, hallway and area in front of our house.  Every time I enter or leave my condo, my over-sensitive preggy nose is assaulted and another round of violent dry-heaves commences.  Of course we're worried about our neighbor, he's killing himself!  We called adult protective services and they sent out a cop for a wellness check, but they just turned around and left when he didn't answer his door!  So we just try to get by with a little help from scented candles and prayers.  Not that the nausea subsides outside the home, either.  I carry ginger candies or cardamom pods in my purse at all times, and have been limiting my driving since the volatility of said dry heaves scares the hell out of me if they start in on the road.

While we're at it, lets talk about my lovely, sunny disposition.  I was all set after the wedding to go all gung-ho into the job search and jump start my career again.  When you're used to being independent for so many years and making a decent salary to where you hardly think twice about spending money, it is so hard to suddenly have no income of your own and have to rely completely on someone else.  Yes I do like some of the old-fashioned notion of the husband being the provider, but I had some pre-wedding debt of my own from previous medical bills etc that I really feel guilty as hell not being able to pay off on my own right now.  So yes, I'm still applying for work like crazy but with no luck.  I never completed my university degree, so I get passed over without a second thought. Or in many other cases, I have 16+ years experience in a variety of roles, including management, so some places are afraid to touch me because I'm "over-qualified" and they're afraid I'll just ditch them first chance I get.  To make matters worse, I've had former colleagues and friends say things like "oh, why are you applying for work when you're pregnant? You'll just have to turn around and go on maternity leave soon anyways."  I get it, but the attitude towards women and mothers in the workplace really sucks, even in this day and age!  My last company had the nerve to ask about my marital status and plans for children during my interview, because the girl who I would be replacing had had a baby and it created "trouble" for them.  Turns out they had semi-demoted her when she came back from maternity leave and didn't allow her any flexibility.  Is this what I'm going to be up against now?

So my nights have pretty much been filled with obsessively looking for jobs, while my days are spent in depression & anxiety filled stupors.  I have those funny mood swings preggy ladies get, and I'll sometimes stop myself and laugh because they'll come out of nowhere.  Like kicking my husband in his sleep for breathing on me, or crying because he won't get me a hamburger from Five Guys when for whatever reason that's the only thing I wanted when all other food was disgusting to me at the time.  The worst thing is that I've really isolated myself right now.  I feel too guilty to ever spend any money, for one.  And I also still hold so much guilt over what I was going through right before the wedding with being sick and withdrawal from the Fibromyalgia meds.  I tried so hard to be strong and paint a smile on my face, but when you're in that deep of pain you can't hide everything.  And people really don't understand.  I don't know who I hurt or pissed off but I've gotten funny vibes from some people.  It hurts like hell but I'm just so tired right now I don't know if I want to be around anyone just out of exhaustion from worrying constantly that I might unknowingly say or do something offensive.

Its all just a big adjustment, really.  Happening so fast - from independent career woman, to unemployed fiance, to wife, to mother in less than a year!  I will tell you something though.  Mommy is the role I was born for.  I'm having trouble right now with not working and feeling so useless, but I know I'll get through that. I have always wanted a baby.  Since I grew up taking care of babies in my grandma's home daycare.  Since I got my Child Development Certification during my Senior year of High School in the ROP.  With all my health woes and lack of decent love interests over the years, I was beginning to think it would be impossible.  But along came Stephen and now our son.  I'll be ok without all the rest.   And Stephen is going to be an amazing father.  He is proving this by how he is putting up with me!  This is all a huge adjustment for him too, and I never forget that.  I do try to curb my mood swings, though he might not be able to tell when I'm calling him an asshole for no reason :) He has been there for every single doctor's appointment, lights candles in our entry way before I wake up so the smell from upstairs won't gag me as bad, and has picked up even more of the slack around the house (my anxiety attacks paralyze me to the point where the tiniest little thing can overwhelm me at times, part of the reason most my wedding thank you cards haven't made it out yet.)

In the meantime, Stephen's career has been expanding even further with more students, 7 bands, higher paying gigs, and even some upcoming tours.  So if I don't find office work, I may be able to help manage some of Stephen's work if he keeps up the pace.  So yeah..... I guess I should just chill, stop beating myself up, and let things happen.  I'll just have some fun obsessing over baby stuff on Pinterest, and remember some of the crazier stories from Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs pregnancy book and feel slightly more normal about what I'm going through.

 

My house can be in disarray and falling apart around me, but my little Guardian of the Womb has stayed glued to my tummy, giving purrs to her little brother and calming my anxieties.