Confessions of a Persian Bridezilla
So what do you get when a man with Asperger's Syndrome gets married to a woman with Fibromyalgia who bites off more than she can chew? Chaos, drama, and a lot of emotion - that's what! But after seeing all the faces of so many people we love, I don't regret not eloping for a single second. Before I blog about the fun and happy stuff, I want to air out all the yucky stuff I dealt with. Not to bitch, but just to be human and have a laugh about it and hopefully provide a story to those who might relate or even benefit by learning from my mistakes.
It didn't start out that chaotic when we got engaged over the summer. I had everything locked down and most of my planning done. But when I lost my job in September, and subsequently, my medical insurance and ability to pay for medication, the detox put my body through hell and threw my immune system for a loop. So pretty much from November up till, well, now, I have been ill with one thing or another. All the wedding stuff I had enjoyed planning out became pure torture to execute and put into place. Torture because when having a flare up with Fibromyalgia, you're in a lot of pain, which often causes you to lose sleep. Which in turn causes your brain to be foggy. Which in turn triggers my Anxiety disorder because I'm constantly doubting myself wondering if I forgot something or offended someone or said something wrong. Not having control over even the smallest, insignificant thing would feel like the entire world was going to collapse. Drama queen much?
As a result, I put my hubby (yes, I get to call him that now!) into a lot more difficult social situations than intended, and our communication with key players got ....dropped. I guess that's the word. As in, his parents didn't know the new location of our wedding and they didn't get the extra invitations I had for them to invite their family friends. This triggered a huge meltdown the night before our wedding when we were having our rehearsal and setting up all our decorations. I was already a ticking time bomb because I had been hacking up a lung for over a month, on antibiotics and a high, toxic dose of steroids, as well as doing nebulizer breathing treatments that made me jittery and shaky. So when the girlfriend of the best man showed up at the rehearsal and started accusing me of not doing enough, I lost it! She was right, I had failed in so many ways. I can't go into details because I don't want to offend anyone, but my world was spinning out of control and I was devastated That complete loss of control, when you are trying your best but you just can't do everything you set out to do. Your body and mind just aren't cooperating with your original intentions and plans. This set off a hysterical crying fit and I was no longer able to communicate or function properly for the rest of the night, so guess what? A whole lot of other stuff I had set out to do didn't get done! Little things like affixing the "CARDS" banner I had bought to a guitar case so guests would know that's where to put their cards. Things like putting out the chalkboard signs that identified the catered foods or wedding favors that guests were supposed to take. 2 weeks later and I still have a big box of wedding favors sitting in my living room. OH, and another important one - the hairdresser messaged me to ask me my address so she could come to my home to do my and my maid of honor's hair for the wedding. I started the reply, but drama went down, and I apparently didn't hit SEND. Coordination of certain photographs, dances, bouquet & garter toss, cutting the cake (I forgot to get a knife & serving set!), distributing champagne for the toast, and who knows what else went out the door too.
That night before my wedding, I am lucky if I even slept 1 hour. Stephen too. Of course, we spent that night apart so his first site of me would be in front of the wedding mirror, but we did talk on the phone. I was just so torn up with guilt and frustration. The way anyone with a chronic illness feels, pretty much all the time, actually. You feel so guilty for relying on so many other people to help you, and frustrated for not having any control or not being able to do things on your own, or not being able to fully communicate your vision. But these are all problems I am aware of and acknowledging. I haven't got it figured out yet; how to accept my life has changed and I need to learn to function differently and stop feeling so damn guilty. But Stephen is helping me get there. He has dealt with his invisible disability longer than I have mine. He still has his glitches (not communicating wedding details to his parents is a huge one!) but he overcomes his own challenges on a daily basis to the point where I constantly forget and need to remind myself to be more supportive. Because he is super supportive, of me. He brings clarity to my crazy and puts things in perspective. As much of a wreck as I was, as soon as I joined him at our wedding table a sense of peace and relief just flooded over me and the tears wouldn't stop. Happy tears. Because for all the challenges I know we will have ahead of us, I know the right person is by my side.
Next up will be the good stuff. Because there were so many dear friends and family members, and even vendors, who stepped up and saved my ass and made that wedding happen. I'm not completely over hating myself for my shortcomings yet, and I still get all emotional when I think about it, but wow. I am truly amazed at all the love and support we received. But more about that in my next entry!
It didn't start out that chaotic when we got engaged over the summer. I had everything locked down and most of my planning done. But when I lost my job in September, and subsequently, my medical insurance and ability to pay for medication, the detox put my body through hell and threw my immune system for a loop. So pretty much from November up till, well, now, I have been ill with one thing or another. All the wedding stuff I had enjoyed planning out became pure torture to execute and put into place. Torture because when having a flare up with Fibromyalgia, you're in a lot of pain, which often causes you to lose sleep. Which in turn causes your brain to be foggy. Which in turn triggers my Anxiety disorder because I'm constantly doubting myself wondering if I forgot something or offended someone or said something wrong. Not having control over even the smallest, insignificant thing would feel like the entire world was going to collapse. Drama queen much?
As a result, I put my hubby (yes, I get to call him that now!) into a lot more difficult social situations than intended, and our communication with key players got ....dropped. I guess that's the word. As in, his parents didn't know the new location of our wedding and they didn't get the extra invitations I had for them to invite their family friends. This triggered a huge meltdown the night before our wedding when we were having our rehearsal and setting up all our decorations. I was already a ticking time bomb because I had been hacking up a lung for over a month, on antibiotics and a high, toxic dose of steroids, as well as doing nebulizer breathing treatments that made me jittery and shaky. So when the girlfriend of the best man showed up at the rehearsal and started accusing me of not doing enough, I lost it! She was right, I had failed in so many ways. I can't go into details because I don't want to offend anyone, but my world was spinning out of control and I was devastated That complete loss of control, when you are trying your best but you just can't do everything you set out to do. Your body and mind just aren't cooperating with your original intentions and plans. This set off a hysterical crying fit and I was no longer able to communicate or function properly for the rest of the night, so guess what? A whole lot of other stuff I had set out to do didn't get done! Little things like affixing the "CARDS" banner I had bought to a guitar case so guests would know that's where to put their cards. Things like putting out the chalkboard signs that identified the catered foods or wedding favors that guests were supposed to take. 2 weeks later and I still have a big box of wedding favors sitting in my living room. OH, and another important one - the hairdresser messaged me to ask me my address so she could come to my home to do my and my maid of honor's hair for the wedding. I started the reply, but drama went down, and I apparently didn't hit SEND. Coordination of certain photographs, dances, bouquet & garter toss, cutting the cake (I forgot to get a knife & serving set!), distributing champagne for the toast, and who knows what else went out the door too.
That night before my wedding, I am lucky if I even slept 1 hour. Stephen too. Of course, we spent that night apart so his first site of me would be in front of the wedding mirror, but we did talk on the phone. I was just so torn up with guilt and frustration. The way anyone with a chronic illness feels, pretty much all the time, actually. You feel so guilty for relying on so many other people to help you, and frustrated for not having any control or not being able to do things on your own, or not being able to fully communicate your vision. But these are all problems I am aware of and acknowledging. I haven't got it figured out yet; how to accept my life has changed and I need to learn to function differently and stop feeling so damn guilty. But Stephen is helping me get there. He has dealt with his invisible disability longer than I have mine. He still has his glitches (not communicating wedding details to his parents is a huge one!) but he overcomes his own challenges on a daily basis to the point where I constantly forget and need to remind myself to be more supportive. Because he is super supportive, of me. He brings clarity to my crazy and puts things in perspective. As much of a wreck as I was, as soon as I joined him at our wedding table a sense of peace and relief just flooded over me and the tears wouldn't stop. Happy tears. Because for all the challenges I know we will have ahead of us, I know the right person is by my side.
Next up will be the good stuff. Because there were so many dear friends and family members, and even vendors, who stepped up and saved my ass and made that wedding happen. I'm not completely over hating myself for my shortcomings yet, and I still get all emotional when I think about it, but wow. I am truly amazed at all the love and support we received. But more about that in my next entry!
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