The Story of Us
Yesterday Stephen and I finally got around to taking engagement photos, so I've done some reflecting on our relationship and figured now would be a good time to write about how we met and how our relationship represents the diversity I love.
In 2012-2013, I had tried a variety of online dating websites - even some with paid memberships. Nothing ever came out of it though; there were a few guys I went on multiple dates with but nothing ever really progressed. I gained so much confidence during this time though, because I really learned what I valued in a relationship and what types of personality traits I could mesh with or not. I could really weed out what I liked or didn't pretty quickly, and had the cajones to speak up about it and not waste anyone's time if things didn't feel right. Sometimes it felt almost business like - thank you for your time, but I don't think we'll be moving forward with your application; we have a different skill set in mind... That still felt a lot better than dating in my 20s - months of dating filled with doubt and insecurities and lukewarm feelings only to end with shrugged shoulders and a blank expression.
So by early 2014, I was in a good place. Mid-thirties, owning my own home, job that I loved, completely independent with good friends in my life. At that point, if I met someone or not, either way, I was happy. But then in February, I was notified at work that I was part of the latest rounds of mass layoffs. I had just gone through the same thing in 2013 right when I bought my home; fortunately that time I was rehired by another department into my favorite job to date for an even better position with more pay. This time around though was more serious. The layoff was so massive that the people who did stay could barely handle their work load and were constantly in fear of more layoffs. There weren't as many rehires as the previous year; I had to face the facts that after 10 years I would have to look elsewhere and get used to a completely different work environment.
That's when the Fibromyalgia really hit me. As I may have mentioned before - I suspect I already had it for a few years before then, mainly due to my fatigue & sleep issues. This time, though, I was hit with the pain. Within just a couple weeks after the layoff announcement, my whole body was in mind-numbing pain. Around the beginning of March, my doctor diagnosed me officially with Fibromyalgia after having previously done other tests to rule out other problems, and confirming the various pain trigger points around my body.
For this round of layoffs, our final payday was scheduled for May 2nd. Depending on our department, some of us were still needed to come in to work and transition pending projects etc, but some departments were completely eliminated due to organization overhaul. My department was one of those, so basically I was given pretty much 2 months free vacation. The company offered a lot of services during that time - re-employment workshops, career counselors and the like, but I had used all those services the previous year and my resume was already polished to perfection. The day I got my Fibromyalgia diagnosis I went home and booked a flight for the next week to Japan.
I knew I needed to reevaluate my life. For so many years I had just put too much of my self worth into my work. I bought a rail pass in Japan and visited various friends all over the country, from Hokkaido down to Kyushu, for nearly a month. I just spent that time resting, walking, reflecting on life, and spending time with friends I love and their families. I was treated with such love and kindness everywhere I went, and I was so touched by the family values and strong marriages, it got me thinking again about my priorities in life and what I really wanted. (Someday I'll have to do a post about my adventures in Japan, but that'll be another time...;)
After I came back to San Diego, I tried not to obsess too much on searching for a job. I did apply to multiple jobs every single day, but tried to remind myself that life is supposed to be more than just work. I had lunch with a good friend towards the end of April, and received a scolding that I was too young to just stop trying in the romance department. She convinced me to sign up for one more free online dating service; what was there to lose? So I signed up that night and within just a few hours, I had an email from this younger musician.
In the past, I had my online dating profile screening down to a tee - just a quick scan of the profile for age, career, & elements of personality. This time, I was in my mid-30s and jobless, so who the hell was I to judge? My pickiness hadn't gotten me anywhere before so I knew I had to have an open mind. So even though Stephen is 4 years younger than me and in a completely different professional world than I was used to, there was just something about his profile that was, I don't know.... sweet. I don't have the best memory, but I just remember him standing out for the rest. He had so much personality and depth behind what he wrote about himself. I don't even remember what he wrote in his first few emails to me, but I agreed the next day when he asked if we could talk on the phone.
That first time we talked on the phone also happened to be May 2nd, the day I received my final paycheck and officially my last day of work. I had no expectations at all - what could I possibly have in common with a musician? My life seemed so corporate and boring by comparison. But I kept an open mind and this boy blew my mind away. That first call ended up lasting several hours. Half-Japanese and Half-Irish, born and raised in the San Diego area, there was a lot about Stephen I could relate to as another mixed-race person. And what really piqued my interest was that he had such a depth of knowledge beyond his environment. He could talk politics, history, culture, food........ Most people younger than me or those who aren't of Persian descent know nothing about the history of Iran or why the revolution that took my father away in the late 70s took place; here was Stephen talking in great detail about the CIA's coup-de-tat in the 1950s that deposed the elected Iranian government and replaced it with a puppet-Shah.
I knew I had to meet this guy; we made plans to meet a few days later for sushi and I just had a good feeling that this guy would be different from the rest. I let go of my previous inhibitions and judginess for a change. Conversation and humor was great and I didn't want it to end, so when he asked me if I'd like to go back to his place nearby and watch a movie, I actually said yes. I never would do something like that normally - it's crazy and dangerous!! But I don't know what it was....I just already had a sense of trust and comfort with Stephen. And he was the perfect, respectful, gentleman. We really did just watch movies and talk.
In between movies at some point, we took glasses of wine out on the patio for more deep convo. That's when Stephen told me he was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (an Autism Spectrum Disorder) as a teen. I was vaguely familiar, having studied and been certified for Child Development as a teenager; not as much research was available at that time but we did touch on various childhood developmental issues. But I never would have guessed this about Stephen. The person sitting in front of me was so positive, up-beat and strong; that image just multiplied 10 fold knowing this information. He told me how his diagnosis made him feel so much better, just to know what he was up against. His persistence and tenacity, downright stubbornness all his life to defy the odds and not let his disorder define his life. That resonated deeply with me.
After that first date, I wasn't concerned so much with his disorder; I already could see what an amazing person he is. He has so many wonderful people in his life, and has accomplished so much as a musician in a pretty competitive industry. But would he be able to handle my baggage? I decided this was someone worth getting to know better, so I decided to be completely open and honest with him about everything. My unemployment, my fibromyalgia diagnosis, my crazy childhood and my relationship battle scars. He had shared such personal stories with me so it was only fair to lay it out on the line for him and let him decide if he also thought we had something worth pursuing.
Fortunately, despite my baggage he saw something more in me. After just a couple weeks of dating, we made things officially exclusive and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. I think that we feel a sort of kindred spirit in that we both have invisible disorders; nobody would know I have Fibromyalgia by looking at me just as nobody can tell he has AS. Days when I feel hopeless he is constantly reminding me to not be complacent with my situation and to always try to defy the odds. I think about all the relationships I've had over the years, and even some of the problems I watched my friends go through. Men who were just completely insensitive, oblivious, or irresponsible. Those men didn't even have AS, they were just ....well, asses. But here I have this guy who is so caring, sensitive, kind, & independent - completely defies all the typical characteristics of someone with Asperger's, all because he is conscious of his shortcomings and makes a true effort to better himself.
Even now, a year and a half or so later since we met, I'm still amazed every day how much this man loves me. I tell him thank you for noticing me. I don't think anyone else has ever really looked at me, not on a physical level, but into my heart and soul, on this level. I think we are able to compliment eachother nicely and give each other strength where the other falls short. We have our ups and downs, and we continue to learn about each other more each day and grow; but for the most part we're on the same page. I'm still scared sometimes about the future; I don't want to become a burden if I'm no longer able to work and I don't even know if I'll be able to have kids. All I know is that I'm happy I'm not doing this alone and I have someone by my side that's my best friend, a great companion, and an even deeper love than I ever could have hoped for. When I see the love in his eyes, I just know... I have a precious treasure and my life feels complete for having found it.
By the way - my friend Mija, who convinced me to give online dating one more shot, is of course one of my bride's maids. The beautiful photo shoot we did for our engagement comes courtesy of her boyfriend Alex, who is not a photographer by trade but an amazing hobbyist with supreme attention to detail. Words cannot express the love and thankfulness we feel towards these wonderful friends.
In 2012-2013, I had tried a variety of online dating websites - even some with paid memberships. Nothing ever came out of it though; there were a few guys I went on multiple dates with but nothing ever really progressed. I gained so much confidence during this time though, because I really learned what I valued in a relationship and what types of personality traits I could mesh with or not. I could really weed out what I liked or didn't pretty quickly, and had the cajones to speak up about it and not waste anyone's time if things didn't feel right. Sometimes it felt almost business like - thank you for your time, but I don't think we'll be moving forward with your application; we have a different skill set in mind... That still felt a lot better than dating in my 20s - months of dating filled with doubt and insecurities and lukewarm feelings only to end with shrugged shoulders and a blank expression.
So by early 2014, I was in a good place. Mid-thirties, owning my own home, job that I loved, completely independent with good friends in my life. At that point, if I met someone or not, either way, I was happy. But then in February, I was notified at work that I was part of the latest rounds of mass layoffs. I had just gone through the same thing in 2013 right when I bought my home; fortunately that time I was rehired by another department into my favorite job to date for an even better position with more pay. This time around though was more serious. The layoff was so massive that the people who did stay could barely handle their work load and were constantly in fear of more layoffs. There weren't as many rehires as the previous year; I had to face the facts that after 10 years I would have to look elsewhere and get used to a completely different work environment.
That's when the Fibromyalgia really hit me. As I may have mentioned before - I suspect I already had it for a few years before then, mainly due to my fatigue & sleep issues. This time, though, I was hit with the pain. Within just a couple weeks after the layoff announcement, my whole body was in mind-numbing pain. Around the beginning of March, my doctor diagnosed me officially with Fibromyalgia after having previously done other tests to rule out other problems, and confirming the various pain trigger points around my body.
For this round of layoffs, our final payday was scheduled for May 2nd. Depending on our department, some of us were still needed to come in to work and transition pending projects etc, but some departments were completely eliminated due to organization overhaul. My department was one of those, so basically I was given pretty much 2 months free vacation. The company offered a lot of services during that time - re-employment workshops, career counselors and the like, but I had used all those services the previous year and my resume was already polished to perfection. The day I got my Fibromyalgia diagnosis I went home and booked a flight for the next week to Japan.
I knew I needed to reevaluate my life. For so many years I had just put too much of my self worth into my work. I bought a rail pass in Japan and visited various friends all over the country, from Hokkaido down to Kyushu, for nearly a month. I just spent that time resting, walking, reflecting on life, and spending time with friends I love and their families. I was treated with such love and kindness everywhere I went, and I was so touched by the family values and strong marriages, it got me thinking again about my priorities in life and what I really wanted. (Someday I'll have to do a post about my adventures in Japan, but that'll be another time...;)
After I came back to San Diego, I tried not to obsess too much on searching for a job. I did apply to multiple jobs every single day, but tried to remind myself that life is supposed to be more than just work. I had lunch with a good friend towards the end of April, and received a scolding that I was too young to just stop trying in the romance department. She convinced me to sign up for one more free online dating service; what was there to lose? So I signed up that night and within just a few hours, I had an email from this younger musician.
In the past, I had my online dating profile screening down to a tee - just a quick scan of the profile for age, career, & elements of personality. This time, I was in my mid-30s and jobless, so who the hell was I to judge? My pickiness hadn't gotten me anywhere before so I knew I had to have an open mind. So even though Stephen is 4 years younger than me and in a completely different professional world than I was used to, there was just something about his profile that was, I don't know.... sweet. I don't have the best memory, but I just remember him standing out for the rest. He had so much personality and depth behind what he wrote about himself. I don't even remember what he wrote in his first few emails to me, but I agreed the next day when he asked if we could talk on the phone.
That first time we talked on the phone also happened to be May 2nd, the day I received my final paycheck and officially my last day of work. I had no expectations at all - what could I possibly have in common with a musician? My life seemed so corporate and boring by comparison. But I kept an open mind and this boy blew my mind away. That first call ended up lasting several hours. Half-Japanese and Half-Irish, born and raised in the San Diego area, there was a lot about Stephen I could relate to as another mixed-race person. And what really piqued my interest was that he had such a depth of knowledge beyond his environment. He could talk politics, history, culture, food........ Most people younger than me or those who aren't of Persian descent know nothing about the history of Iran or why the revolution that took my father away in the late 70s took place; here was Stephen talking in great detail about the CIA's coup-de-tat in the 1950s that deposed the elected Iranian government and replaced it with a puppet-Shah.
I knew I had to meet this guy; we made plans to meet a few days later for sushi and I just had a good feeling that this guy would be different from the rest. I let go of my previous inhibitions and judginess for a change. Conversation and humor was great and I didn't want it to end, so when he asked me if I'd like to go back to his place nearby and watch a movie, I actually said yes. I never would do something like that normally - it's crazy and dangerous!! But I don't know what it was....I just already had a sense of trust and comfort with Stephen. And he was the perfect, respectful, gentleman. We really did just watch movies and talk.
In between movies at some point, we took glasses of wine out on the patio for more deep convo. That's when Stephen told me he was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (an Autism Spectrum Disorder) as a teen. I was vaguely familiar, having studied and been certified for Child Development as a teenager; not as much research was available at that time but we did touch on various childhood developmental issues. But I never would have guessed this about Stephen. The person sitting in front of me was so positive, up-beat and strong; that image just multiplied 10 fold knowing this information. He told me how his diagnosis made him feel so much better, just to know what he was up against. His persistence and tenacity, downright stubbornness all his life to defy the odds and not let his disorder define his life. That resonated deeply with me.
After that first date, I wasn't concerned so much with his disorder; I already could see what an amazing person he is. He has so many wonderful people in his life, and has accomplished so much as a musician in a pretty competitive industry. But would he be able to handle my baggage? I decided this was someone worth getting to know better, so I decided to be completely open and honest with him about everything. My unemployment, my fibromyalgia diagnosis, my crazy childhood and my relationship battle scars. He had shared such personal stories with me so it was only fair to lay it out on the line for him and let him decide if he also thought we had something worth pursuing.Fortunately, despite my baggage he saw something more in me. After just a couple weeks of dating, we made things officially exclusive and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. I think that we feel a sort of kindred spirit in that we both have invisible disorders; nobody would know I have Fibromyalgia by looking at me just as nobody can tell he has AS. Days when I feel hopeless he is constantly reminding me to not be complacent with my situation and to always try to defy the odds. I think about all the relationships I've had over the years, and even some of the problems I watched my friends go through. Men who were just completely insensitive, oblivious, or irresponsible. Those men didn't even have AS, they were just ....well, asses. But here I have this guy who is so caring, sensitive, kind, & independent - completely defies all the typical characteristics of someone with Asperger's, all because he is conscious of his shortcomings and makes a true effort to better himself.
By the way - my friend Mija, who convinced me to give online dating one more shot, is of course one of my bride's maids. The beautiful photo shoot we did for our engagement comes courtesy of her boyfriend Alex, who is not a photographer by trade but an amazing hobbyist with supreme attention to detail. Words cannot express the love and thankfulness we feel towards these wonderful friends.
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